Students in critical condition after protesting lunch

Max Bowman and Akhil Kumbum

“A” lunch today at Vandegrift was interrupted when a group of protesters blocked the passage through the cafeteria. Eye witness reports told us that the group resembled a giant mass of cheesecake, as the mass of protestors was so rich and white. Many students were confused and frustrated at this obstacle blocking their path to lunch, as they didn’t even know why or what they were protesting. After talking to some of the group members however, their motive became much more clear.

“We are starving!” sophomore Kimberly Hudgins said. “Schools expect us to eat this slop! I for one, won’t stand for this. If it’s not from a 1 star michelin chef or from Gordon Ramsay himself, straight into the garbage it goes!”

Many of the protestors are dissatisfied with the fact that Vandegrift only has 10 different lunch lines. They complained about a lack of options, claiming that no lunch service could be complete without Starbucks or Chick-Fil-A.

“What is this Ballpark garbage? Where’s my 20 piece nugget and quarter pounder?” Albert Hoov sputtered while choking on his neck fat. “Now I know what my mom was trying to tell me when she was talking about her grandmother in Auschwitz.”

Not everyone approved of this protest. Particularly those who just wanted to  eat something.

“I don’t think these people understand the fact that Vandegrift has one of the most varied selection in a school cafeteria,” freshman Sean Bean said. “It’s $2.50 for a meal and the food is not even that bad. I wish these protests would hurry up and end so I can just get some food. I have football practice after this.”

Others however, find that the food quality to be significantly below their standards. These students have gone through such lengths as hunger strikes to get the food they think they deserve.

“I don’t understand why I can’t get my filet mignon au jus for five bucks,” junior Andrew Thompson said, waving a hundred dollar bill in the air. “This is my money that I earned through asking my parents this morning, and I expect the best service for my hard work and dedication.”

While this protest may appear to be a harmless endeavour to change the options at the cafeteria, this statement couldn’t be any farther from the truth. Over seven students have already been hospitalized, with two in critical condition due to hunger

“That chicken had way too much gluten,“ Angela Carson said, wheezing on her hospital bed, as doctors hooked her up to an IV.  “I may not know what gluten is, but I knew that I couldn’t pollute my body with such dangerous unknown chemicals. Gluten is a bad thing. Hey, how many carbs are in this IV drip?”

Starbucks, upon seeing the dire situation these high schoolers are in decided to seize this opportunity to open up their own mini cafe in the cafeteria. They have already begun construction and plan to open by fall.

“We at Starbucks know when people are in trouble, and the students at Vandegrift are no exception,” CEO of Starbucks Howard Schultz said. “We plan to open up a new location in the school to assist this underserved community. Additionally, we will be rolling out a new charity in honor of the plight that these brave kids have undergone.”