SATIRICAL: Shopageddon


Nicholas Scoggins

The average Black Friday shopper, ready to score some deals.

Nicholas Scoggins, Staff Reporter

Tomorrow will be a day of absolute carnage. Of death, of destruction, of insanity and of selfishness. It is the day every store employee fears the most, for it brings great danger and suffering.  is Black Friday.


As of now, thousands of people wait in lines outside stores, ready to move out at first light in order to shove, brawl and slick their way to obtain what they want.


“I am totally prepared to shove everybody who stands in the way of getting a sweet deal on a new Xbox,” shopper Billy Bob said.  “My family is getting that [expletive] new console so my spoiled son can go online and screech profanity at other gamers like the little brat he is.”


Some other shoppers however, said that the people looking for consoles are mere peasants following an outdated method, and that they should instead look at the obvious console replacement of gaming computers.


“All of these console peasants are just a dying breed,” [Expletive]user2009 said. “With computers you get to spend $1000+ on a platform that oftentimes has performance issues running the most basic of games.”  


While many shoppers like Billy Bob and [Expletive]user2009 wanted deals on electronics, other shoppers wanted to snag even bigger items.


“I am totally getting a new sports car tomorrow,” shopper Shawnie Pawnie said. “That way, I can drive recklessly like a total maniac on the road and endanger everyone’s personal safety; I will totally get a girl that way.”


However, the biggest crowd is the one sitting outside the mall. It ranks several thousand strong and is very riled up due to having been camped outside for several days in the cool Texas weather .


“I have been in this [expletive] cold for what seems like an eternity,” Samantha Johnson said. “Little Jimmy froze to death last night. We will avenge him by getting sweet new deals on useless trinkets that we will forget about within a month.”


However, some people believe that these shoppers are being outsmarted by a group of highly intelligent individuals who get all of the deals without the death and destruction.


“I shop for everything online now thanks to digital Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals,” Jonathon Towers said. “Video games, electronics, collectors items, you name it, and there are deals for all of them. Why die going to the store when you can have everything at the touch of a button?”


Despite the fact that today most people were celebrating what they were thankful for, tonight many prepare for battle for what might be the biggest shopping day since the beginning of quarantine.


“Why yes, I am thankful today,” Frank Hartman said. “I am thankful for the opportunity to get these sweet deals on items that are normally too expensive.