Student executed for leaving campus during lunch

Staff Writer pokes fun at the no off-campus lunch rule.

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Staff Writer pokes fun at the “no off-campus lunch” rule.

Max Bowman, Writer

Yesterday at 1:55 p.m., a SWAT team surrounded Billy Zane’s car outside the drive-thru at McDonalds. The student was arrested for the severe crime of leaving campus during lunch. He was subsequently tried and hanged for his crimes.

“I’m glad that such a potentially dangerous scenario was stopped,” McDonald’s drive-thru worker Shelly Zinks said. “When school’s let their students leave campus, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re killers. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Students leaving campus during lunch is one of the biggest problems this nation faces today. Schools have to utilize as much staff and resources they can muster to ensure that students stay on campus during lunch.

“I remember just last week we caught a student climbing a fence trying to get to his car,” superintendent Theodore Skinner said. “He took a couple of taser shots, but once we got him on the ground, it only took a couple of whacks with our batons before he stopped resisting. He got off lucky too, only three years in jail with no chance of parole. Must have found a four leaf clover or something that day.”

Recent crime statistics have revealed that when students are able to leave campus, the crime rate in the area can be increased by 100 percent. It’s because of these students’ actions that so many lives are lost each year.

“I remember just last year over 40 people were killed due to a student leaving during lunch,” local police chief Bob Horton said. “We received word that a student was loitering inside a 7-11 during school hours, and we just knew that it was too late. Thankfully, our country’s great president, Obama, managed to act swiftly and ordered a drone strike on the store, wiping out all life within the area. Considering the estimated fatalities were in the hundreds from the student, only 40 live lost was a blessing.”

Every single year over 300 students in the area leave campuses during lunch. Many claim to only be running to get lunch or wanting to hang out with some friends, but these super predators cannot be trusted. Senior citizens usually tend to be on the receiving end of the horrible crimes committed by these hooligans and have to resort to calling the police with such dire 911 reports such as “noise complaints” or “loitering.”

“I say kill em!,” elderly citizen Henry Fang said. “If these punks can’t stay off my lawn then I say they can’t stay on living! First they commit one of the most heinous crimes in the world, leaving campus, and then they brutally assault the freshly mowed grass on my lawn!”

Luckily scientists have recently devised a way to ensure that no more students attempt to leave campus ever again. They are hoping to implement their new technique in schools starting next year. With its biggest supporter being President Obama himself.

“Uh me, Michelle, and Sara, both think that the best way to stop these kids, is with these bomb collars,” President Obama said. “You see, scientists, have uh, devised this collar; we will put this device, on all kids necks, during first period. The collar will activate, and starts tightening around the neck. Best part is, they will explode if the student leaves the designated area during lunch. It’s really amazing how far technology has come in the past couple of years.”