Vandegrift Survival Guide
April 20, 2016
So I hear you’ve enrolled at Vandegrift High School. And what’s that? Your first day of
school is tomorrow? Lucky you. In addition to being one of the most competitive,
highest achieving schools around, we boast an extremely diverse, cultured, and sophisticated
student body that possesses an enlightened perspective on how the world works. Well, most of
the time. If you want to survive, nay, thrive at Vandegrift, follow this fruitful guide to ensure
your sacred position among vineyard vines royalty.
The most important law of life at Vandegrift is simple. Clothes mean everything. At
Vandegrift High School, if you’re caught wearing the wrong thing, chances are you’re done for.
Seriously. If you don’t take your clothing seriously, you might as well transfer to Cedar Park.
My job today is to help you survive your first day of school tomorrow, so pay close attention.
First off, let’s start with some important background information that’ll give you an idea of what
you’re dealing with here. Every year, lululemon gains almost 93% of their annual revenue of
selling their clothing and apparel to Vandegrift students. Take a stroll through Main Street and
you’ll see exactly why that is. See, if you come to school wearing a pair of ordinary black
athletic shorts, people won’t think too much of it. You probably run track or something. Nice.
BUT, if your black shorts have a little silver squiggly in a small circle, barely visible on the side
of them, people stand back, realizing they’re in the presence of someone who knows what
they’re talking about. That tiny logo has magical powers, I swear. And even if you can’t afford
lululemon, which might raise a few eyebrows, just carry around one of their cute little red bags.
People will assume that you buy from lululemon, and that’ll be able to mask your poverty for a
Also, another way to send a clear message to people that you’re legit is by wearing a shirt
with fish on the back of it. It’s simple. For some unknown reason, that seems to do the trick
around here. A normal red shirt is just that, a normal red shirt. But if the shirt has a couple of
whales splashing around on the back of it, before you know it you’ll be homecoming king!
Miguel Rios Moran, a peruvian student new to the customs and cultures around this school,
simply refers to the popular kids as “fishshirts.” And that’s no coincidence. Fish shirts take you
straight to the top. In terms of shoes, there’s really only two kinds that are acceptable right now.
Converse and New Balance. But you’ve got to be very careful with New Balance. If you’re
caught wearing the same New B’s as someone else, you might as well burn them. That can’t
happen at Vandegrift. Just be careful about that.
Lastly, go out and buy a Yeti bottle. Or a Yeti shirt. Or Yeti stickers. Anything with Yeti.
But preferably a Yeti tumbler. And when you’re carrying it around at school the next day, make
sure it’s always clearly visible to other people in the hallways. It’s crucial that people know you
own a Yeti Tumbler. And the same applies for Starbucks. Long after you’ve finished your Very
Berry Hibiscus Drink, you should still be displaying the cup prominently as you stroll through
the doorway of your first period class, 20 minutes late of course. So tomorrow, before you even
step foot through the main entrance, I want you to make a mental list and check off everything to
make sure you’ve got all your bases covered. Here we go. Lululemon shorts? Check. Fish shirt?
Check. New B’s? Check. Yeti Tumbler? Check. Lamborghini? Cheoh yeah that’s right, I forgot
to mention one last thing. It’s VITAL that you drive a car that costs over $80,000. Range Rovers
and Porsches are usually the goto choices. You can’t go wrong with a beamer. Now, if you have
all of these things before you step onto campus, congratulations, you’ll fit right in with the best
of them at Vandegrift! If not, sorry bud, but Vandegrift is probably not the best fit for you. So
good luck tomorrow, and go vipers!