Vandegrift Survival Guide

April 20, 2016

So I hear you’ve enrolled at Vandegrift High School. And what’s that? Your first day of

school is tomorrow? Lucky you. In addition to being one of the most competitive,

highest achieving schools around, we boast an extremely diverse, cultured, and sophisticated

student body that possesses an enlightened perspective on how the world works. Well, most of

the time. If you want to survive, nay, thrive at Vandegrift, follow this fruitful guide to ensure

your sacred position among vineyard vines royalty.

The most important law of life at Vandegrift is simple. Clothes mean everything. At

Vandegrift High School, if you’re caught wearing the wrong thing, chances are you’re done for.

Seriously. If you don’t take your clothing seriously, you might as well transfer to Cedar Park.

My job today is to help you survive your first day of school tomorrow, so pay close attention.

First off, let’s start with some important background information that’ll give you an idea of what

you’re dealing with here. Every year, lululemon gains almost 93% of their annual revenue of

selling their clothing and apparel to Vandegrift students. Take a stroll through Main Street and

you’ll see exactly why that is. See, if you come to school wearing a pair of ordinary black

athletic shorts, people won’t think too much of it. You probably run track or something. Nice.

BUT, if your black shorts have a little silver squiggly in a small circle, barely visible on the side

of them, people stand back, realizing they’re in the presence of someone who knows what

they’re talking about. That tiny logo has magical powers, I swear. And even if you can’t afford

lululemon, which might raise a few eyebrows, just carry around one of their cute little red bags.

People will assume that you buy from lululemon, and that’ll be able to mask your poverty for a

little while.

Also, another way to send a clear message to people that you’re legit is by wearing a shirt

with fish on the back of it. It’s simple. For some unknown reason, that seems to do the trick

around here. A normal red shirt is just that, ​a normal red shirt. ​But if the shirt has a couple of

whales splashing around on the back of it, before you know it you’ll be homecoming king!

Miguel Rios Moran, a peruvian student new to the customs and cultures around this school,

simply refers to the popular kids as “fish­shirts.” And that’s no coincidence. Fish shirts take you

straight to the top. In terms of shoes, there’s really only two kinds that are acceptable right now.

Converse and New Balance. But you’ve got to be very careful with New Balance. If you’re

caught wearing the same New B’s as someone else, you might as well burn them. That can’t

happen at Vandegrift. Just be careful about that.

Lastly, go out and buy a Yeti bottle. Or a Yeti shirt. Or Yeti stickers. Anything with Yeti.

But preferably a Yeti tumbler. And when you’re carrying it around at school the next day, make

sure it’s always clearly visible to other people in the hallways. It’s crucial that people know you

own a Yeti Tumbler. And the same applies for Starbucks. Long after you’ve finished your Very

Berry Hibiscus Drink, you should still be displaying the cup prominently as you stroll through

the doorway of your first period class, 20 minutes late of course. So tomorrow, before you even

step foot through the main entrance, I want you to make a mental list and check off everything to

make sure you’ve got all your bases covered. Here we go. Lululemon shorts? Check. Fish shirt?

Check. New B’s? Check. Yeti Tumbler? Check. Lamborghini? Che­oh yeah that’s right, I forgot

to mention one last thing. It’s VITAL that you drive a car that costs over $80,000. Range Rovers

and Porsches are usually the go­to choices. You can’t go wrong with a beamer. Now, if you have

all of these things before you step onto campus, congratulations, you’ll fit right in with the best

of them at Vandegrift! If not, sorry bud, but Vandegrift is probably not the best fit for you. So

good luck tomorrow, and go vipers!

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