The Daily Bigot

April 20, 2016

BREAKING: Asian American teenager Steven Nguyen discovered to be a good driver, is bad at math and science

Austin, Texas­ A few weeks ago, local teenager Steven Nguyen, an Asian, was seen driving on public roads­ causing zero accidents.

Spectator Wyatt Hunter had this to say about the incident: “It was incredible. I mean here he was, driving on the road just like everybody else. It’s really great that he was able to overcome the odds and get to where he was going, ya know, with him being from China and all.”

Our crew was extremely interested in this young man, so we tracked him down at his high school, Vandegrift, where we expected to find him studying diligently. Our crew was amazed to find him playing on his phone, like he was one of the other kids, instead of working on his calculus or AP Chemistry homework.

We were granted an interview from the boy wonder, and our interview correspondent extraordinaire Dixie Moonshine was on the scene:

Dixie: “Hi there Stevey boy, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” Dixie: “So Steven, can you tell us where you are from?”

Steven: “I’m from here. Austin, Texas­ born and raised.”

Dixie: “No, no, no Steven….. Where are you ​from​? Like where are you ​really from?”

Steven: “Excuse me? I just told y­”

Dixie: “Never mind, let’s move on. This next one is more a fun question, for me. I once at a Korean food restaurant. It was very ethnic. Can you teach me how to say some of that Korean, Steven?”

Steven: “Ok, well, I’m actually only half Asian. My dad is white and my mom is from Taiwan. So I really don’t know any Korean. I don’t even know anybody who is Korean.”

Dixie: “Ah alright. Your dad is white, that must be where you get your driving skills. Slightly less impressive now that I know that but whatever. And that’s really interesting that you don’t know any Koreans. I thought all you people were just one big family. Ok Stevey boy, next question­ what’s your current grade in math? And also science?”

Steven: “Umm, I think I have an 89 in math right now and an 85 in science.”

Dixie: “Oh dear, that’s not good at all. At least not for you. You know what they say, right? An A­ is like an Asian F. So Steve, what are you thinking about majoring in when you head off to college. You are going to college, right? What am I thinking, of course you are.”

Steven: “Well, I’m thinking about something like art or journalism or sports communications. I have a passion for both.”

Dixie: “Wait a second now. You’re not even considering engineering? Or med school?”

Steven: “No.”

Dixie: “huh. Interesting. Any extra­curriculars you’re interested in Stevey­boy? Robotics? Karate? Clearly you’re not playing sports haha.”

Steven: “yes, I’m actually in student council.”

Dixie: “Oh very cool. You must be the treasurer!”

Steven: “Ok I’m done with this.”

(Steven walked away from our crew after this interview and when we kept following him, he got in his car and left­ driving away again­ such a feat for his kind.)

We searched for Steven far and wide, checking libraries, textbook stores, math tutoring centers, Hunan restaurant, but he was nowhere to be found. We even called tech support but still nothing. Steven was not available for further comment, we assume he left to go practice playing the violin or the piano or something like that. It can also be implied from the interview that Steven likes eating rice with everything, is socially awkward, and looks like a lot of other Asian people.”

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