Best of English 3 Satire

April 20, 2016

These are some the best student written satires from the English 3 satire project.

The Internet Tragedy

Thursday, March 31, 2016- AP English News. Chaos erupted last Monday when the world’s favorite search engine, Google, went down for twenty-four hours.

Authorities are still investigating the cause for the biggest scare since the 1929 stock market crash. Americans sat by and watched as productivity ground to a halt.

“I was in my office, and whenever I typed ‘Google’ into the search bar, it wouldn’t come up,” one bystander said. “Honestly, it terrified me.”

The situation was worse elsewhere. People starved in their homes as they lost the ability to Google recipes and how to cook food. One Texas neighborhood lost half of its population throughout the day. Elsewhere, starvation led to worse. An entire neighborhood in Missouri burned down after residents attempted to turn on their stoves in order to feed themselves. No one knew the difference between cooking ramen and burning it.

Inside the houses (or what was left of them), bodies were found draped over computers, where, in their dying moments, they had attempted to Google how to cook. In one house, a frozen pizza was lying on the counter, unopened.

Recent comments from the governors of those states have called the entire event ‘Unfortunate.’ Cleanups are being organized in the affected areas. The volunteers say that their first goal is ‘to find any orphans or dying people in the area and move them to treatment.’

Others were faced with less deadly but no less serious events. The US witnessed a rise in people who were unable to dress themselves. With the Youtube makeup tutorials unresponsive, many women walked outside sporting the equivalent of clown makeup. Men accidentally strangled themselves while trying to tie their ties. Other less socially conscious individuals showed up for work wearing their pajamas.

Several of the new members of the workforce are organizing a lawsuit against Google for not preparing them for the first day of their jobs sufficiently.

Bob Phillips is one of them. “Google wouldn’t let me search ‘How to overcome nerves’ or ‘What not to do on the first day of your job,’” Phillips claims. “It needs to pay for the stress it has caused new members of society.”

The number of untreated illnesses also rose on Monday. “Without the ability to Google symptoms,” one self-diagnosed stomach cancer patient says, “Others could be unable to find treatment.” Indeed, many died later in the week from rashes or diseases that remained undiagnosed without the aid of Google. When asked why he didn’t consult a doctor, one survivor shook his head. “Google is a wonderful resource for those of us who don’t want to take time out of our schedules to go to the doctor. The internet has such a wealth of information and with self-diagnosing as accurate as ever, I thought ‘why not?’.”

Perhaps the most devastating effect was the world’s inability to ask dumb questions to the expanse of the internet. Instead of consulting Google, people were forced to turn to their neighbors in order to ask questions such as ‘When is Mom’s birthday?’ and ‘How do I take 12 selfies at once?’. One husband spoke to his wife for the first time in five years when he asked her “Where is Hawaii?” Even some cats are becoming restless after losing the ability to Google things such as ‘asoiflkdip;dslsjas’ or ‘pljkhuhgftdesswa’ and connect with the human world.

We received the opportunity to meet with some Google developers last Tuesday. The downtime left many of them with gray hair and breakups with significant others. One called the downtime ‘a horrible accident’ and delivered the following message.

“Google apologizes for the inactivity on Monday. We are working on getting our service up and running without crashes. For the time being, we will send some employees to local event centers, where you can ask them questions to your heart’s consent.”

Some other Google employees were ready to quit after the event. “My wife is filing for divorce,” one admits sadly. “She said that if I can’t help her search for funny cat videos, I have no place managing our taxes.”

Google is temporarily working, and remaining employees assure the search engine will receive a major update by Friday.

Down the street from our meeting with Google was the headquarters for Bing. Unaffected by Monday’s crash, they continued their normal business. Company reports indicate no significant increase in their site’s traffic.

The Daily Bigot

BREAKING: Asian American teenager Steven Nguyen discovered to be a good driver, is bad at math and science

Austin, Texas­ A few weeks ago, local teenager Steven Nguyen, an Asian, was seen driving on public roads­ causing zero accidents.

Spectator Wyatt Hunter had this to say about the incident: “It was incredible. I mean here he was, driving on the road just like everybody else. It’s really great that he was able to overcome the odds and get to where he was going, ya know, with him being from China and all.”

Our crew was extremely interested in this young man, so we tracked him down at his high school, Vandegrift, where we expected to find him studying diligently. Our crew was amazed to find him playing on his phone, like he was one of the other kids, instead of working on his calculus or AP Chemistry homework.

We were granted an interview from the boy wonder, and our interview correspondent extraordinaire Dixie Moonshine was on the scene:

Dixie: “Hi there Stevey boy, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” Dixie: “So Steven, can you tell us where you are from?”

Steven: “I’m from here. Austin, Texas­ born and raised.”

Dixie: “No, no, no Steven….. Where are you ​from​? Like where are you ​really from?”

Steven: “Excuse me? I just told y­”

Dixie: “Never mind, let’s move on. This next one is more a fun question, for me. I once at a Korean food restaurant. It was very ethnic. Can you teach me how to say some of that Korean, Steven?”

Steven: “Ok, well, I’m actually only half Asian. My dad is white and my mom is from Taiwan. So I really don’t know any Korean. I don’t even know anybody who is Korean.”

Dixie: “Ah alright. Your dad is white, that must be where you get your driving skills. Slightly less impressive now that I know that but whatever. And that’s really interesting that you don’t know any Koreans. I thought all you people were just one big family. Ok Stevey boy, next question­ what’s your current grade in math? And also science?”

Steven: “Umm, I think I have an 89 in math right now and an 85 in science.”

Dixie: “Oh dear, that’s not good at all. At least not for you. You know what they say, right? An A­ is like an Asian F. So Steve, what are you thinking about majoring in when you head off to college. You are going to college, right? What am I thinking, of course you are.”

Steven: “Well, I’m thinking about something like art or journalism or sports communications. I have a passion for both.”

Dixie: “Wait a second now. You’re not even considering engineering? Or med school?”

Steven: “No.”

Dixie: “huh. Interesting. Any extra­curriculars you’re interested in Stevey­boy? Robotics? Karate? Clearly you’re not playing sports haha.”

Steven: “yes, I’m actually in student council.”

Dixie: “Oh very cool. You must be the treasurer!”

Steven: “Ok I’m done with this.”

(Steven walked away from our crew after this interview and when we kept following him, he got in his car and left­ driving away again­ such a feat for his kind.)

We searched for Steven far and wide, checking libraries, textbook stores, math tutoring centers, Hunan restaurant, but he was nowhere to be found. We even called tech support but still nothing. Steven was not available for further comment, we assume he left to go practice playing the violin or the piano or something like that. It can also be implied from the interview that Steven likes eating rice with everything, is socially awkward, and looks like a lot of other Asian people.”

Undergraduate Profile: Fale University

Dear Student,

Fale University, founded in 622 CE, ​has always been devoted to excellence in teaching, learning, and research, and to developing leaders in many disciplines who make a difference globally. The University, which is based in Mackinac Island, has an enrollment of over 20,000 degree candidates, including undergraduate, graduate, and professional students, with an acceptance rate of 3.14%. ​As the Regular Decision deadline for college applications is approaching, the admissions office at Fale University would like to extend our undergraduate academic profile as a resource for potential applicants**.

  • All students are required to take either the SAT or the ACT with writing. For the SAT, the range is around 2390­2400. The ACT average is around 36­37. SAT Subject tests are optional but highly recommended (by optional we mean required).
  • Fale University is dedicated to making sure that our students excel in the classroom. To avoid being placed on academic probation, students are expected to maintain a 4.0 unweighted GPA.
  • We like to see copious amounts of AP exams. However, we also require perfect scores on all of them. We realize that you have persevered in all of these college level classes, but due to the dearth of funds for our new marble monument, we are unable to offer you credit for them.
  • Fale University’s application process is need blind. Even though standardized tests cost hundreds of dollars, and prep classes cost even more, we are certain that students of all socioeconomic backgrounds will meet our requirements.
  • A good recommendation letter is key to a successful application. We recommend selecting someone who you have a special bond with, so be sure to maintain a good relationship with all of your teachers, counselors, principals, vice principals, librarians, janitors, and lunch ladies.
  • Through the essay portion of your application, the college admission counselors hope to get to know you better. We love when students talk about their passion for continuum mechanics, the New York times, the War of Jenkin’s Ear, Norwegian architecture, paleoclimatology and Anne Boleyn.
  • Here at Fale University, we take the motto of giving your 110% very seriously. You have 24 hours in a day? Tell us about how you spent all 25 of them volunteering.
  • Are you a leader? (The answer should be YES. There is no such thing as an introvert.) Entrepreneurial spirit and leadership skills are essential to becoming a billionaire alumnus. This is also why we are proud to offer seats to any applying Bushes, Kennedys, and/or Rockefellers.
  • We like our applicants to be well­rounded students. It’s important to make sure that your life isn’t consumed by academics; we want to see that you’re a normal kid, not a robot. Band, choir, volleyball, basketball, and football are all fantastic extracurriculars! Unless you’re on junior varsity. Then, we highly recommend you pursue another interest.
  • To finish out your resume, you should have a main achievement. A crowning jewel, so to speak. Some popular ones include: creating a startup, founding a global charity, inventing a new element, propagating world peace, and finding a cure for cancer.

**Please note that although we have detailed a few of the considerations in the admissions process, all applications are graded holistically. In other words, we need to accommodate for student athletes and the children of billionaires.

We look forward to viewing your application! Fale University Undergraduate Admissions Office

Vandegrift Survival Guide

So I hear you’ve enrolled at Vandegrift High School. And what’s that? Your first day of

school is tomorrow? Lucky you. In addition to being one of the most competitive,

highest achieving schools around, we boast an extremely diverse, cultured, and sophisticated

student body that possesses an enlightened perspective on how the world works. Well, most of

the time. If you want to survive, nay, thrive at Vandegrift, follow this fruitful guide to ensure

your sacred position among vineyard vines royalty.

The most important law of life at Vandegrift is simple. Clothes mean everything. At

Vandegrift High School, if you’re caught wearing the wrong thing, chances are you’re done for.

Seriously. If you don’t take your clothing seriously, you might as well transfer to Cedar Park.

My job today is to help you survive your first day of school tomorrow, so pay close attention.

First off, let’s start with some important background information that’ll give you an idea of what

you’re dealing with here. Every year, lululemon gains almost 93% of their annual revenue of

selling their clothing and apparel to Vandegrift students. Take a stroll through Main Street and

you’ll see exactly why that is. See, if you come to school wearing a pair of ordinary black

athletic shorts, people won’t think too much of it. You probably run track or something. Nice.

BUT, if your black shorts have a little silver squiggly in a small circle, barely visible on the side

of them, people stand back, realizing they’re in the presence of someone who knows what

they’re talking about. That tiny logo has magical powers, I swear. And even if you can’t afford

lululemon, which might raise a few eyebrows, just carry around one of their cute little red bags.

People will assume that you buy from lululemon, and that’ll be able to mask your poverty for a

little while.

Also, another way to send a clear message to people that you’re legit is by wearing a shirt

with fish on the back of it. It’s simple. For some unknown reason, that seems to do the trick

around here. A normal red shirt is just that, ​a normal red shirt. ​But if the shirt has a couple of

whales splashing around on the back of it, before you know it you’ll be homecoming king!

Miguel Rios Moran, a peruvian student new to the customs and cultures around this school,

simply refers to the popular kids as “fish­shirts.” And that’s no coincidence. Fish shirts take you

straight to the top. In terms of shoes, there’s really only two kinds that are acceptable right now.

Converse and New Balance. But you’ve got to be very careful with New Balance. If you’re

caught wearing the same New B’s as someone else, you might as well burn them. That can’t

happen at Vandegrift. Just be careful about that.

Lastly, go out and buy a Yeti bottle. Or a Yeti shirt. Or Yeti stickers. Anything with Yeti.

But preferably a Yeti tumbler. And when you’re carrying it around at school the next day, make

sure it’s always clearly visible to other people in the hallways. It’s crucial that people know you

own a Yeti Tumbler. And the same applies for Starbucks. Long after you’ve finished your Very

Berry Hibiscus Drink, you should still be displaying the cup prominently as you stroll through

the doorway of your first period class, 20 minutes late of course. So tomorrow, before you even

step foot through the main entrance, I want you to make a mental list and check off everything to

make sure you’ve got all your bases covered. Here we go. Lululemon shorts? Check. Fish shirt?

Check. New B’s? Check. Yeti Tumbler? Check. Lamborghini? Che­oh yeah that’s right, I forgot

to mention one last thing. It’s VITAL that you drive a car that costs over $80,000. Range Rovers

and Porsches are usually the go­to choices. You can’t go wrong with a beamer. Now, if you have

all of these things before you step onto campus, congratulations, you’ll fit right in with the best

of them at Vandegrift! If not, sorry bud, but Vandegrift is probably not the best fit for you. So

good luck tomorrow, and go vipers!

View Comments (2)
About the Contributor
Photo of Max Bowman
Max Bowman, Writer

Maxwell Bowman is a junior who adores writing and can't wait to contribute to this year's newspaper and many to come. He is currently a very attractive...

Vandegrift Voice • Copyright 2022 • FLEX WordPress Theme by SNOLog in

2

Comments (2)

All Vandegrift Voice Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • M

    Marc Willebeek-LeMairMar 19, 2021 at 7:09 pm

    These are good!
    I recommend you give credit to the authors of each essay.

    Reply
    • A

      adviserMar 29, 2021 at 9:37 pm

      Max Bowman wrote all 3 of them (his name appears at the top). He was a great writer, enjoyed having him on staff a few years ago 🙂

      Reply